My First Life Chapter 2

                                                              2

No, Doc. That would be an understatement

to say it just didn’t work out.

Actually it never really did work right from the start

it’s a stupid story

we thought she was pregnant

I didn’t know what to do so we got engaged

I didn’t want to embarrass her

I was twenty years old and she was seventeen

she wasn’t even pregnant

stupid stupid stupid

what a joke

Almost right after we were married 

we started with marriage counselors

you’ll excuse me if by now I seem 

a little unenthusiastic

about your profession and what you do here

it’s just you have to try something anything

something to get help even when you know 

it won’t work

Sharon’s mother was going to a psychologist

so naturally we went

from the beginning until the end

her mom believing in psychotherapy and all

off and on

her me them us alone together in groups

on weekends every which way

talk talk talk

all bullshit so far anyway

But highly recommended

I remember hearing that from the beginning

you too for that matter

highly recommended

On our honeymoon she couldn’t stand anything I arranged

the plane was too noisy the hotel didn’t have ice-skating

who goes to Florida to go ice skating

the side-trips were all dumb

I liked them

Seaquarium porpoises entertaining I thought

with their high jumping and ringing bells

I arranged boat ride tours and dinners

and sketch artists you name it

For Sharon it was too damp too hot too early too late

it made me sick all her complaining

she was never satisfied

always judging nothing ever okay

Did I ever love her?

Did I ever love her

I don’t know I must’ve once

but I married the first girl who let me fuck her

like a jerk like a kid like a hard up little putz

just like I knew I would

Actually her mother was better looking than she was

had sperm swimming in her eyes

Henry Miller said that

my mother-in-law was a tall brunette with highlights of gray

her face was angular with high cheek bones and piercing brown eyes

that when she wanted to could make you uneasy and turn away

you know what I mean

otherwise you felt a conspiracy building if you held her gaze

she had a firm body slender and well proportioned

with a man’s imagination I detected beautiful breasts

you know how there are some women who even as they age

never lose the shape and firmness of young breasts

she was like that

Her hands were long-fingered and sensitive

unlike Italians who moved their whole arms

when they spoke

it was her fingers her fingers played with each other

rubbed and rolled against each other as she spoke

completing a kind of unconscious

three note chord

her breasts

her fingers

her mouth

She used to kiss me on the mouth

you know when we greeted or said goodbye

I liked that what’s not to like

once her colleague noticed and commented on it

and she made a joke

but I always wondered how come too

just something sexy about her

she was married three times

sad cursed life with a kind of desperate pathos

Sharon was very different from her mother

I could imagine a reverse Lolita story

marrying the daughter

to be near the mother

Sharon was shorter than her mother

with a round face and short-cropped blond hair

she had hazel eyes but her gaze

was never arresting the way her mother’s was

but as with so many ordinary women

when she smiled her face lit up

and became beautiful

for a time

She wasn’t exactly slender but she was okay

her body was adequate

all the essential parts accounted for but no more

what she lacked in physical magnetism

she failed to compensate for with personality

as some women can

I have known the homeliest women

who over time

because of who they are

become more and more attractive

this was not Sharon

she did have nice legs though

Sharon’s mother screwed up all her girls

her oldest Susan is completely nuts

her kids—I mean Susan’s kids—returning from school

caught her once coming out the of bedroom stark naked

with their Sunday school teacher

also buck naked

Susan’s husband Daniel is even nuttier than she is

they loved science fiction conventions

they called them conventions but it was just a cover to get laid

they were really orgies drugs cheating you name it

we went to one in Michigan with them

even there I couldn’t get laid Sharon wasn’t in the mood

and I didn’t have the nerve to strike out on my own

something I still regret a missed opportunity

I did get to see the aurora borealis though for the only time

amazing unexpected mind bending sight

it makes you wonder what else you haven’t seen

Those two Susan and her husband were both so full of bullshit

we’re free we respect each other we’re not each other’s jailers

anything’s okay if we love each other

blah blah blah

god I was so jealous of all the ass they got between them

of course they eventually got divorced

The middle daughter Samantha was spoiled rotten

she was the beauty of the group

could do no wrong

what a mercenary bitch but the world is for the beautiful right

and there’s no doubt she was and knew it and knew its worth

and would work it

until she couldn’t work it any more and her mother knew it

and didn’t care because she liked having a beautiful girl-child

who could fuck men over

You’ve got to have a profession her mother would tell Sharon

you can’t trust men they always cheat eventually

I love you Michael she'd say but you know it’s true or might be

and then you’re nowhere if you can’t support yourself

trapped dead powerless

what a message of hope to give your newly married daughter

This was our first dinner mind you as a married couple

and she’s giving her daughter a lesson

on how to survive a rotten marriage while she’s eating my food

while I’m thinking what would it be like to fuck her

I mean she just had that effect on you

Of course I felt judged unfairly and violated too. Ironic, yes?

It was a great dinner and that was a great little apartment

basement job the kind you think are dark and horrible and damp

and embarrassing to say you live in

not this one

it was lovely beautiful it was ours it had three rooms

with those funny high up basement windows

every room painted white so it was very bright

and the back door  in the kitchen was mostly glass 

so lots of light came in from the backyard

with grass and a couple of big trees and the owner’s kids playing in the backyard

squealing and running around and wanting to play with me

And she’s eating my food in my castle with my wife

and telling her to get a job

so she can leave me comfortably when the inevitable time comes

I mean Sharon wanted to work anyway

but her mother’s coaching certainly gave a bad feel to it

like there was an ulterior motive

Actually I wasn’t too happy with that meal

Sharon jumping up and down being the perfect little housewife

and me sitting there

as if I ever told Sharon not to go to school

or get a profession or whatever the hell she wanted to do

what am I supposed to do

guarantee I’m never going to cheat on her daughter

where’s my guarantee

No, I didn’t think Sharon had to prove anything to me.

Doc, she didn’t owe me anything.

You know I remember this line from a movie

the fucking you get aint worth the fucking you get

I love that line I don’t remember the movie any more

but it was a true line

I loved the play on words and the play on life

maybe it was too bitter but I felt pretty bitter near the end of our marriage

I mean how long do you put up with always being told 

you’re a dollar short

maybe I think she did owe me something

loyalty or just friendship or help or something

I don’t know what but yes she did owe me something

good sex at least or even some interest in me

something

Making love to her?

First off I didn’t know what I was doing

I mean she was a lot more experienced than I was

she was only sixteen when I met her 

and her cherry had already been plucked

she told me it was from horseback riding

yeah right

but I figured it was from her boyfriend fingering her

she got caught one time in the closet with his hands down her pants

she told me this I guess to show me how honest she was with me

She’s probably telling the truth too

she probably never did really have sex before me

but she did everything else I’m convinced

so she should have been some help

but she wasn’t

I just fumbled along trying a little of this and a little of that

and when it was all done she just starts crying

and I ask her if there’s anything I can do

no

was it any good for you

she says no

is there anything I can do better next time

no

well we’ve got to do something tell me how I can be better

no you’re the man you’re supposed to know what to do

how the hell am I supposed to know what to do

some things you just have to learn by experience

and the truth was I had none

I tell her your mother’s not here you can talk dirty

give me some hints I can’t read your mind

nothing

then she actually says to me if you don’t know how to make me happy

I can’t tell you

if you really loved me you’d know how

Don’t smile. You think it sounds funny. It isn’t funny.

You know men can be insecure about sex too

I didn’t need this mind reading bullshit and the crying

I wanted to think I was okay and if I wasn’t

we would kind of get better at it together

I didn’t need it to be a fucking

test of whether I loved her

You know maybe

I had an unrealistic idea of what marriage would be like

but so did she

and talk about dead meat

what’s that old joke about Jewish women

what’s the difference between Jell-O and a Jewish women

Jell-O moves when you eat it

Yes, I’m still angry. I let myself be angry now.

I’m really angry at myself mostly

that’s what you guys say all the time anyway isn’t it

twelve years I can’t believe I was such a putz

twelve years

how long should it take to wise up

You know we were gonna get divorced a couple of years into it

but her dad talked us out of it 

I liked him

big ballsy guy very affectionate very generous

had a heart attack a real bad one

he was getting over it when I first met Sharon

so he had a happy outlook on life

I guess he was glad he was still alive and planned

not to let women or kids or anything make him crazy

He was easygoing but firm

men loved him you know in an okay way

he was a fisherman he liked to travel he liked to tell stories

he was very sure of himself

he was a funny guy

but very chauvinistic

I mean women were definitely there to serve men

but women loved him anyway he was such a charmer

and even though he was pretty overweight he was a damn good dancer

and a great cook and very generous

did I say that already

and I had the impression he was good in bed

women will put up with a lot of shit

if the sex is good

Anyway we were gonna get divorced and we couldn’t talk to my parents

they would have died if they knew we were thinking of getting a divorce

my Uncle Norman got divorced once and the family was shocked

I was about ten years old at the time

I was shocked

about a year later Uncle Norman and Aunt Shirley got remarried

I guess they shocked themselves

I wouldn’t talk to Sharon’s mother about our problems

Or maybe it was only mine I don’t know

I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction

you know

I-told-you-so

So anyway we call Sharon’s dad and he insists

we come over to his place right away

and we both spill our guts

and hearing ourselves it all sounded so stupid and petty

and he kept hugging us and telling us everybody has these problems

and it all goes away if you can be friends with each other

and the family all loves us so much and wants us to be happy and so on and so forth

and he was so sweet and he cared so much that like jerks

we decided to give it another go

we did our duty by everyone

it could’ve been nice and clean then

too bad

What do I mean clean? Doc, really?

I mean kids

what else

anyone who has kids to keep a marriage together is fucking crazy

so naturally that’s what we did

but you know in a weird kind of way it did keep us together

I love my kids and surprisingly even to me

we never really fought over them

We agreed mostly on how to raise them

I was in the delivery room with both my kids

and Sharon nursed both of them

we were alternative-life-style kind of parents

Sharon nursed our son, Allen, till he was two

and our daughter Meredith, until she was three

we didn’t use canned baby foods ever

we mashed up real food for them

and we never had screaming babies that make some parents crazy

I mean it’s hard to scream with a tit in your mouth right

Considering everything we were very responsible parents

kids can keep you together but they don’t solve your problems

we fought about everything else

except for the kids

and staying married you can feel just as alone

Doc, how is it possible for marriages to turn to shit so thoroughly

I mean how is it possible to have kids with a woman

who you can’t remember ever saying one nice thing to you

making kids it's such an intimate thing to do

I mean you have to take your clothes off and get close and kiss and hold each other

and do your thing and I can’t remember her ever being really affectionate towards me

it must have been there

can you block it out so completely

honest to god I don’t remember her ever being my friend

and we made everybody happy

and everybody loved the kids

But now it’s not neat and it’s not clean

marriages come and go but the kids are there forever

and in the hands of some women

they’re a weapon pointed right at their ex-husband’s heart

And please spare me the social commentary on abuse and oppression

and how the courts used to be so unfair to women

it may have been true once but not any more

no matter what

the man loses

it’s all bleeding heart bullshit

women use the kids period end of sentence

and if they’re the dumpee forget it

they’ll never be rational towards you again

No, sex wasn’t the issue, Doc,

and, well, maybe it was.

What do I mean

I mean I don’t know where do I start

I got better at sex

I read books I went to x-rated movies

I did research you might say

one time I found this really good marriage manual

I read it and gave it to Sharon

I said it was a helpful book that

I had learned a lot from it would she like to read it

you know what she says

I can’t identify with this book

what’s to identify I say

you take the girl’s part I take the boy’s

anyway she never read the book

So I would practice on her what I found out and I was amazed

you know it’s all biological I mean if you punch the right buttons

the old piano roll plays the right tune

so after a while Sharon having orgasms was not our problem

so you see sex was not an issue anymore except

they were unmoving silent orgasms weird emotionless crazy

so sex was still an issue

I mean it was like she didn’t want to give me any credit for her orgasms

she kept them all inside

to herself for herself

it was frustrating and it made me angry

so I guess sex never stopped being an issue

I wanted a good lay so badly it’s all I ever thought about

so that’s when I started thinking about cheating on her

even if it would give her mother

an I-told-you-so

goddamnedest thing though

Sharon beat me to it in fact I know of at least two guys she did

one was at the company where I was working for chrissake

and the other was her chiropractor

I saw him once

he looked like her father

so I thought that explained a lot

After the chiropractor I figured I was taking things too lightly

it was not a good sign

I probably was repressing and all

so we found this psychologist he was Swiss

and had a great accent and wore pullovers

and slippers and no kidding he smoked a pipe

actually he only held the pipe because tobacco smoke makes me sick

and I asked him if he could refrain while we were with him

I thought he was going to need a shrink after that

but he manned up and said okay